WHEN I HAVE TO PLAN BUT DONT KNOW WHAT TO PLAN

I bump into Brother Zainol yesterday on my way to the car park to go back home. After the usual salam, we have a little chat.

Brother zainol: How long have u working here?

Me: It will be a year this September.

Brother zainol: So where’s your direction? What’s your plan?

Me: *awkward silence*

It really hit me how I didn’t know whats my own future plan, my own direction (career wise, spesifically).   Me myself, who, by right should know myself better, didn’t have any idea what to do in the future. I’m sick right? Oh sangat kecewa dengan diri sendiri. 

Brother Zainol, from my very first day working in IIUM, encouraged me to pursue study. 'Pergi sambung master, though you are in clinical line', thats what he said. At least write article, because writing is something that u need to polish. I did write few articles, but finish none of them, semua separuh jalan. 

Saya nak sambung master, tapi saya sendiri tak tau what is my interest, nak sambung apa? Pathetic right? Itu belum cerita lagi rasa tak yakin dengan diri sendiri. Long ago I always think that I am smart (at least I believed that), not the smartest, but in the smart people category. But now, heck no! Boleh tak saya jadikan alasan tak plan nak sambung belajar lagi sebab saya rasa saya tak cukup pandai untuk sambung master? But I don’t wanna say that. Cakap2 kita kan doa, nanti I jadi x pandai betul kan x elok.

Oh so sad.

Clinical wise pulak, we only practice outpatient here. Counseling all the way. Sampai naik muak. And thank you SPA for turning me down two times. Two times tak panggil interview! Hell u lose one damn good employee SPA trust me. 

And by the way, bukannya saya tak bersyukur apa yang ada sekarang. Saya sangat bersyukur. Saya kerja di taman ilmu dan budi, ada office cantik, boss baik, great colleagues. Saya suka je counseling, jumpa makcik comel taknak ngaku minum air manis banyak, jumpa pakcik garang suka makan supplement tapi tanak buat diet control, jumpa adik debab suka makan coco crunch, jumpa adik kurus tanak makan apa2, etcetera etcetera. It just that I feel static, stagnant, plateau.

I know I whined too much, I’m sorry ya Allah. Astaghfirullah..

Letak gambar semasa kurus dan comel. Yang paling penting masa ini sangat bersemangat, sangat carefree, yakin dapat jadi orang berjaya, yakin saya seorang yang bijak, yakin to conquer the world. Semoga semangat (dan berat badan) itu datang kembali. Oh ada mazu dan suhaili juga, rindu mereka.

Letak gambar convo pemangkin semangat sambung belajar. Mungkin doa di bulan ramadhan yang mulia ini dimakbulkan, siapa tahu?

p/s: to whom it may concern, saya nak sambung belajar boleh x?