Thursday, October 9, 2014


So Robin was married to Barney, get divorced, and end up with Ted. Like seriously? Huh i just know the ending of HIMYM after so many months the series ended. Tu pon sebab Ilman baru subscribe starworld channel. Baru la tengok. Kalau tak sampai ke sudah tak tengok. My sister Ila is an avid online movie/youtube follower, apa cerita baru or series baru dia memang tengok. When the final episode aired she wanted to tell me whats going on but I shut her up said I want to watch it my own. Better late than never eyy.

Being a mom changed a whole lot of me. Yeah I don’t go watch movies anymore. Well to rephrase, I am not able to finish a movie on the television anymore, let alone go watch one in the cinema. 
Baby clothes excites me more than bags and shoes do (well I still love them bags and shoes, still browse tru them in the net, but don’t really buy them anymore sobs). That make sense because I rarely wear my handbag now, replaced with a bright orange diaper bag (should consider a super cool leather-made diaper bag), and I only wear confy flats, no more skyscraper heels. 

I eat so fast now I don’t remember chewing my foods. Of course I don’t have time to go to facial or spa, because weekend is irfan’s time, and I could not afford to take a leave just to pamper myself, cos I have to save all the leaves left in case of emergency if Irfan demam ke apa (nauzubillah). 
Bathing is one of the few ‘me’ times left, but yeah, cannot take for too long because I need to fold the kain baju later on. 

Work and house chores is a never ending story. How I wish I could finished all the works with the blink of an eye *wishing for marry poppin's magic*. Like I am dying to wipe the kitchen clean after cook, but if I do so and not rushing to take bath I will perform Maghrib prayer very late. Or when I have to choose between folding the mountain of cloth or washing Irfan's bottle and breastpump stuffs. Of course i need to do the later because I need those things to use tomorrow, u can always korek the kain baju nak pakai from the bakul heh. U know, have to prioritize things to do.

Nope not complaining. Because it doesnt matter the house (or I) is a mess, i got to hug and kiss and fall in love over and over again with my baby. That, my friend, is the best feeling in the world!

Monday, April 7, 2014


Kadang2 tu..teringin pampered diri sendiri dgn barang2 best separa mahal (mahal la bagi aku).
Contohnya jam tangan marc Jacobs.
Atau bag tangan Michael Kors.
Indahnya ciptaan manusia ilham daripada Sang pencipta.
Tapi bila pikir balik itu semua nafsu duniawi. Aku boleh dapat barang yang juga berkualiti dgn kos separuh drpd brg2 separa mahal di atas.
Contohnya jam tangan jenama casio.
Atau bag tangan jenama sembonia.
Itupon aku masih rasa barang2 tu mahal (sikit).
Kalau ikutkan kemampuan memang mampu. Tapi tak tergamak rasanya. To spend such amount. Memuaskan nafsu kapitalis dalam diri aku.
Mungkin satu hari nanti, kalau rasa nak terlayan nafsu-nafsi beli barang2 ni. Mungkin masa tu boleh bagi alasan nak reward diri sendiri sebab jadi mak yang baik kepada irfan. Atau isteri yang baik kepada ayah irfan.
Tapi kena jadi mak dan isteri yang baik dulu la.
Aku cuba.


Friday, April 4, 2014


So I promised myself to note irfan’s development somewhere. Because he grows up so fast and I want to remember each one of it. 

Yesterday he turned 4 months. Cepat kan? Since he turned 3 months he has started to try to roll over. Orang melayu kata meniarap. He tried and tried and tried. Everytime I put his down on his tilam he will lift both his legs up in the air, put them down and try to roll over. How cute. 

so watcha lookin' at?

trying hard

another try

even in the car
or at atok's house
even when hold by ayah
or when watching manchaster united lose

 But being an ambitious boy he is (this trait is from ayah, mama is a cool, go-with-the-flow kind of person), he will cry because he could not let one hand free (one hand will be below his body everytime he rolled over). And ayah will be so kesian for him and help irfan moved his hand (so much for trying to train my boy to be independent). But yeay, good news, since last week he can move the hand underneath the body *insert proud mommy’s smile here*. 

kiss the tilam. its smell like irfan's puke
So now, he rolled over so fast. The moment I put him on his tilam, he will quickly rolled over, swiftly moved his hand, put up his head and smile, as if trying to say ‘look mama, I’m a superboy!’. Clap2 for u irfan!

But having learned one skill, he is now venturing into the next step. To move. No mama rolled over is not enough. I want to move. I want to go over there to reach for that towel (yup he loves munching the face towel). Again, being ambitious boy he is (hey it’s the meaning of his name anyway –Hadif means berwawasan/bermatlamat), he will cry because he could not move forward just yet (hate being stuck at one place eyy?).

So a couple of night back, he thought up of an new idea to move. Its fine mama I could not move forward (yet), so I will roll over to my side. so he did. 3 laps. To his side.
Brilliant son, brilliant!

Thursday, March 13, 2014


2013 was a bless
Getting married on 22nd February when I turned 26
Moved to our own house on November (well this one was a bitter sweet, because a month after moving in our housing area was affected with the massive flood –one of the biggest flood in Kuantan-ever).
And the most blissful moment of all, having Muhammad Irfan Hadif in my arms :’) *insert motherly tears here*
My baby boy was born on 3rd December 2013, yes during the raining and flood season. 

My water broke on 2nd December at exactly 1 am. No pain and whatsoever felt at that time. Off we went to the hospital, ctg was done, contraction was 15 minutes apart. At that moment I don’t feel any pain. Well maybe a little pain when the nurse did the VE. And I silently pat myself saying that sheessh the contraction pain is not painful at all, why people call it contraction pain in the first place, and why many people make a big fuss out of it.

Never occurred to me that I was totally wrong.
Contraction pain was damn painful!

When the doctor came around 11 in the morning, she did the VE once again, and still no progress, 1 cm opening. She decided to induce with prostin since my water is still leaking. She said she will monitor the opening and if still no/slow progress she induce again cm. After that, I started to feel the pain, and it was getting more intense on the afternoon. So I thought it is painful but I can bear it *again patting myself saying that hoho never know that I am strong*. 

Wrong Ija, totally wrong! 
During Asar time was the time where the contraction getting more and more intense, VE was done again (sucks big time) and still 1 cm (sucks bigger time!). Ilman was out getting some foods and suddenly I started to shiver, I thought I might have a fever. The nurse came to check the temp, yup it was 38 degree C and she gave me antibiotic.

The next 12 hours was the longest hours in my life. The pain was now 5 minutes apart. Sakit sangat2. I could not sleep I could not eat. I tried to do the breathing technique but nothing works. I saw the clock ticking in front of me waiting for miracle to happen. My back hurts my head hurts everything is painful. I prayed to Allah to help me end this pain quickly.

The clock in front of me didn’t help at all. I (literally) count the second for morning to come. At 12 am I asked Ilman to call the nurse (just to whine at her about the pain). She did VE and congratulation it just progress to 2 cm. Freaking 2 cm! She offered me pethidine and I remembered Miya told me to not take it because it didn’t help at all. So I refused pethidine at that time, only to call her again at 4 am to give me the jab. I just need something to ease the pain I don’t care. She did VE again (suck biggest time) because if the opening is more than 4 cm pethidine cannot be given (cant remember why. Too painful to absorb the hell she saying). It is still 2 cm so she jab the thing on my butt, and warning me it will not ease the pain instead it will make me feel so sleepy so I can ignore the pain and sleep.

Well it did help.
For one hour.
The best sleep-in-pain of my life. One hour.

And then puff! The sleepiness just gone the pain is back controlling me. At 5 am I felt like going to the loo, but nothing happened in the toilet. Suddenly i remembered the nurse did mention if I feel like pushing (like when u do ur toilet business) don’t do it yet and call her immediately. So Ilman call the nurse and again, another finger-shove-into-my-thang time (lets call it VE back, better that way). It is already 5 cm dilated, she said its about time for labor. I was so nervous at that time, though there is no time to think about the anxiousness as the pain is overpowering it. I was pushed to the labor room where ctg is done once again while waiting for Dr Su to arrive. I keep whining to Ilman and the very kind nurse about the pain, so the nurse gently massages my back. It doesn’t make the pain go away but at least helped me relax a bit. When the dr came at 6 am she did (another) VE, and now it is 8cm dilated. 

Well here’s another bad news. My baby’s heart beat is not stable. It goes haywire, ups and downs. Fetal distress. And I still have fever. And I’ve been bearing the pain for more than 12 hours and my water broke for more than 30 hours already. Though only 8cm dilated, the dr asked me to push but its not working. Baby’s beat continue to go haywire. In the midst of pain and fatigue, I silently pray to Allah to save my baby. The dr insist that I go for emergency c-sect, worrying we might risk the baby’s life if we wait for my cervix to be fully dilated. So I signed the paper, they do their pre-op prep –insert cbd bag, iv line, etc. I literally surrender my body to them. All the pain of needle insertion and what not seems nothing compared to the contraction pain. 

It took them half and hour to get ready after I signed the paper. 10 minutes in the ot, still in pain, before the give me the juice from heaven –the epidural. So I lay there, half asleep, knew they did something to me there, but I didn’t feel any pain, and yes, too tired to bother. Then suddenly, dr su wake me up, saying that everything is fine now.

No its not dr. where is my baby? Mana baby saya? The dr said they have showed me once the baby was pulled out of me, and I opened my eyes and said ok. I replied no I did not! It must have been the drugged-sleepy-fatigue syahiza who replied to her. The dr said they have bring my son to the ward for cleanup and stuffs. So yeah I didn’t get to touch my baby and cry tearful joy after delivery, just like in the tv. So not cool!

I only got to see my baby a couple of hour after the op. and the moment I saw him, it was love at the first sight and I knew I gonna love him for the rest of my life. 

My baby boy, my son, my love, semoga membesar jadi anak soleh, qurratu ‘ain kepada mama dan ayah. We love u so much Muhammad Irfan Hadif bin Ilman Hadree. 
After clean up
day 3 -discharge home

3 months old

Friday, August 23, 2013


At 16 weeks of pregnancy, I fold my jeans, saying farewell to them, hoping that they can still fit me next year. And now, at 24 weeks, I am going to say goodbye to my kurungs. Couple of days ago my husband told me that I looked berisi (read: fat) already. Pffttt!!! Most of my regular shirts and pants didn’t fit me anymore, so hellooo to maternity clothes. 

When it comes to cloth, I am a very simple woman, most of my shirts and tops are plain one. But when looking at the maternity cloth department, most of them are flowery or polkadot or some ugly patterns with ribbon and unnecessary pockets and renda2. Whaddeheck! Tak macho la I lepas ni. Bummer!

Oh on other notes, we went to antenatal clinic to scan the baby last weekend. Mummy of course is super excited to see the baby growing well inside my tummy. I am praying that u will be a good child to us, a soleh/solehah servant to Allah, sihat dan bijak dan comel. Oh by the way my tummy is round as a soccer ball at the moment. So not sexy bhaha.

As for myself, I am doing sooo well in the food and cravings department at the moment. Appetite is super good, there is always a little cravings for foods, thank God my cravings are those foods that are cheapos and easy to find (read: pisang goring, laksa, fruits, etc). Well there are also hiccups like leg cramps has started and I easily become fatigue and exhausted and what not. But that was the part and parcel of being pregnant and something to be remembered about later on. So I am cool with it (well maybe at the moment. Heh).
Oh and it is still Syawal so selamat hari raya. It was my first time celebrating eid as a wife. Insya Allah next year there will be an additional little one to celebrate raya with. I think time flies so fast that it seems like yesterday that we were engaged on the third syawal, tahun ni dah beraya as hubby-wifey. We are progressing quite well, no? Hehe. Engaged-married-having a child all happened in one year interval. ‘Ala kulli hal Alhamdulillah. Rezeki Allah nak bagi. 
3rd Syawal last year
1st Syawal this year
 See, not only our relationship status is progressing, our weight is also doing the same thing. Sudah gemuk la ini tahun hihihihi.